Chaos and Feelings and Fragility

 The world is a chaotic place. There are a lot of good things about the world. Which is important to remember. There are also a lot of frightening things about the world. And that can get overwhelming. Living with depression is hard. Depression in winter is harder. Not enough sunlight, leading to not enough vitamin D. Politics is....people are like, "don't take politics personally." Well, the politics affect some of us on a very personal level, so...how am I supposed to not take politics personally? Racism is still a thing that exists in the world. So is homophobia. And misogyny. And so many other forms of prejudice. Victim blaming. I try to do what I can to affect change, but most of the time I don't even know where to start. I've actually stopped speaking up when certain subjects come up, because I get tired of getting yelled at when I express things that are different than how other people see them. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts aren't valued, or even wanted.  I haven't even written anything since sometime last year, because I couldn't figure out how to articulate what I've been feeling. I still can't really even figure it out. But when the sun is out, and the sky is blue, and the snow is white, and it's beautiful, that makes me feel better. When I remember to take my vitamins everyday, that makes me feel better. Having people that actually listen to what I have to say, makes me feel better. But sometimes it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to fall apart when I need to. It's okay if the best I can do sometimes is just get out of bed and go to work. Even if other people don't get it. It's okay. Sometimes I feel really fragile. Sometimes it's all I can do to just hold it together. Sometimes I feel like a burden to those around me, and I don't talk about how I feel. I need to be better about that. I'm better at writing about my feelings, than I am at actually speaking about them. Which is why I write. But sometimes it's too much, and I can't write. The words won't come. Anyways, I'm done rambling for today. I'm just keeping up the fight.

Fighting the Same Fight

I came across this picture the other day:

It's pretty self explanatory. So many people benefit from the systemic racism that this country was built on, but the only way to achieve true equality is to dismantle and reconstruct those systems. But so many people don't want to dismantle those systems that they continue to benefit from. So here we are.

Phrases that I am tired of hearing:

1. "All Lives Matter." While this is true, historically people of color have not been treated as if this is true. So yes. Technically true, but missing the point.

2. "Jesus ended the debate about which lives matter because he died for all." Again, true, but also missing the point.

3. "I don't care if people peacefully protest, but there is no excuse for the rioting." I mean, yeah, the rioting is horrible and sad, but rioting has been a part of pretty much every fight for equality since the beginning of this country, and even before. Such as, The Boston Tea Party. The Civil Rights Movement in the 60's. And also, people get mad at the ones who peacefully protest as well, such as....Colin Kaepernik. And a lot of other athletes. So basically, you get criticized if you protest peacefully, you get criticized if you riot. It's kind of a double edged sword, and while I don't condone destroying public property and violence, I kind of get it. I get how sometimes a person gets so angry that they want to destroy something. Sometimes I have wanted to destroy things. I haven't done that, but I have wanted to.

4. "I'm just tired of hearing about all of this stuff." Well, I am tired of living all of this stuff. I am tired of fighting the same fight that my ancestors were fighting hundreds of years ago. So basically, if you are tired of hearing all this stuff, take steps to educate yourself. I can provide a list of books to read, shows to watch, some other resources, but it's actually not my job to educate anyone, because right now, I am trying to keep my head above water.

5. "What's the point of destroying Confederate Statues? They are part of history." I mean, yes, the Confederacy is a part of our Nation's history, but the Confederate Statues and the Confederate Flag are symbols of treason and racism. I would love to see all the remaining statues and symbols of the Confederacy removed and put in a park somewhere out of the way. It could be a tourist attraction or something. I mean, you can learn about something without having monuments to traitors. Just my opinion. 

6. "You can disagree with someone on something and still remain friends." Sometimes that is true. Like in the case of television shows. Or music. Or books. Or jello flavors. But if a person thinks that my life is worth less than theirs because of my skin color, or the fact that I'm a woman, or something like that, then actually, no, we can't stay friends. 

7. "What about black on black crime?" What about it? I've never heard the phrase "White on white crime." It's almost like someone invented the phrase "black on black crime" to try to invalidate the struggles that black people go through. Which is actually probably what happened. It's gaslighting.

8. "But (Insert name of famous black person) said this in some interview that I saw." One black person does not speak for every single person. We all have different thoughts, and opinions and feelings about things. 

9. "Have you ever thought that if you obey the law, the police will leave you alone?" Recent events, and also events of the past, have proven that this is not always true. Don't get me wrong. I support the police officers, I know that their jobs are high stress, and I know a lot of really good police officers, and I support them. But currently, the ones that are murdering people are bothering me. 

I mean, I could go on, but I'm not going to. I'm just writing how I feel. It would be nice to live to see the day where we don't have to fight this fight anymore. I'm hoping that day comes sooner rather than later. This fight is exhausting. For real. 

Just Some Thoughts about Current Events

Last night I did a thing. I went to a Black Lives Matter protest. A local person organized it, so I decided to go. It was pretty peaceful. It was really nice to see so many people show up in support of the movement, it made me feel less alone. The last few weeks have been rough. Hearing people I know and care about saying that they are tired of hearing about Black Lives Matter. Having people constantly tell me that "All Lives Matter." Okay. Well, fun fact. I know that all lives matter. Most of us know that all lives matter. But historically, black people, and other people of color, have not been treated as if our lives matter nearly as much as white people's. If people of color were treated equally, we wouldn't have to emphasize that black lives matter, too. It hurts when people try to invalidate my feelings, by telling me, "white people get killed too." Yes, true, but for the most part they don't get killed specifically because they are white. This is something a lot of my white friends have been educating themselves about. A lot of them have been educating themselves and learning how to be better allies, and better people, and I think that's awesome. I am so grateful to them for that. Racism is terrible. Some people like to think that racism doesn't exist here, in Libby, MT, but I can tell you from personal experience that racism is alive and well here. And I know some will disagree with this, but black people need white people to fight alongside us in this. A lot of my white friends are, and for that I am grateful. Some think that black people should be happy for the rights that we already have. I wrote a blog post, almost three years ago, that is still relevant today. I wish that it wasn't still relevant but it is. Here is the link to that if you want to read it. https://jazzyintheuk.blogspot.com/2017/08/fire-burns-brighter-in-darkness.html

Talking about these things makes some people uncomfortable, but it's like Desmond Tutu said, "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality." So basically, if you are tired of hearing about Black Lives Matter, join the fight. Fight alongside us, because the sooner black people stop being treated unfairly simply because we are black, which, by the way, is not something we can control, then the sooner you get to stop hearing about it. It's really that simple. 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is bittersweet this year. Mother's Day is a day specifically set aside to honor our Mothers, but this year, mine is not here. Yesterday marked 9 months since she died, and today is Mother's Day. So kind of an intense weekend. I never thought that last year's Mother's Day would be the last one that I would get to spend with my Mom. That being said, there are other women in my life who have become mother figures over the years, and I have friends who are mothers, and I have my Grandma, who has always been here. So today I honor all the mothers I know, but today I also have to find a different way to honor and remember mine. Happy Mothers Day.

Easter 2020

Easter is very different for me this year. In more ways than one. The most significant is that my Mom is not with us this year. This past Thursday was the 9th of April. It was Maundy Thursday, or Holy Thursday, known as the last night in the life of Jesus. Thursday also marked 8 months since my Mom died, and it marked two years since she was diagnosed with cancer. Easter is weird this year because of social distancing, and Church has been cancelled until further notice, so the usual rituals that I have come to associate with Lent, and Holy Week, and Easter, were not done in the same way this year. Just kind of...jarring. I kept forgetting that Friday was Good Friday, or the day that Jesus died. Yesterday my sister and I colored Easter eggs, because that was one of my Mom's favorite things to do, and it was good to do, I'm glad that we did it, but it also wasn't quite the same. Today is Easter Sunday. A day that is usually filled with joy and celebration and liveliness in the Church. The church service is usually upbeat, there is usually an Easter Breakfast before church...but this year that won't be happening, but it will still be Easter. My Grandma and sister and I will have an Easter dinner, and we will mark it off on the list of holidays and other things that have been happening in this First Year. So yeah. Easter is weird this year. For a lot of reasons. One thing, though, that I can take comfort in, is that this year my Mom gets to spend Easter with Jesus, which, while it's really sad for us, it's really cool for her. So Happy Easter everyone, stay safe and healthy, and let your loved ones know that you love them. Hallelujah! 

Processing

 

   I haven't really taken time to process the events of the last couple of years. So much has happened, and I just haven't taken the time to sort through it all. I do my best processing in writing, though, so if you're up for a bit of a lengthy read about my feelings about things, then here goes.

  It all started in April of 2018 when I was living in Manchester, England, and I found out that my Mom had been diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer, a rare and very aggressive kind of cancer. When she first met with her oncologist, in May of 2018, he told her that without treatment she would have about 3 to 6 months, and if she did treatments she would have 12 to 16 months. I didn't know that at the time, because there were still 3 1/2 months before I was supposed to come home from England, and my Mom didn't want me to come home early. There was a good support system in place and everything, but still, if I had known....I probably would have come home earlier.


  I got home in July of 2018, and it all became....real. I went back to work at McDonald's, where I still work, and in September my Mom and I moved into our own apartment. I had no idea what I was doing. Watching my Mom battle cancer....it was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. It seemed that every time she had an appointment with her oncologist, the cancer had disappeared from one place, but shown up someplace else....it was in so many places....at the end I kind of stopped keeping track of all the places it was. It was just too much. And at every appointment, her oncologist never made promises that she was going to go into remission, or be cured or anything. He always emphasized the fact that he was just trying to keep her alive as long as possible. It was a hard line to walk, because while I did always pray for a miracle that she would beat it, and she was so determined to beat it, she wouldn't even discuss things with me, such as what to do in the event of her death. I also knew that it was very likely that she wouldn't beat it, given the type of cancer and the nature of it, and I was always afraid of coming home after work or wherever I had been, and finding her dead. That's not how it ended up happening in the end, but I don't know how I would have handled it if that was how it happened.

  No matter how much I had prepared for the inevitable, though, when it came...I wasn't ready for it at all. My Mom was in a lot of pain at the end. She tried to hide it, she didn't want anyone to know, but she was. Her legs and feet were swelling, and fluid was coming out of her feet, and we had to change her bandages a lot. She wouldn't let us bring in home health or anything, so my Grandma and I were doing it mostly by ourselves. She had to use a walker to help her walk, and a wheelchair sometimes, and eating and drinking was difficult. Nothing tasted good to her. I had to help her with a lot of things, sometimes in the middle of the night, and while I didn't mind doing it, it was....just a lot sometimes. On Sunday August 4th I came home from work, it was early in the afternoon, and my Grandma had just changed my Mom's bandages and gotten her legs propped up and stuff. Grandma was going to a play later. A couple hours before I went to bed, I was trying to help my mom get comfortable in her chair, and she was really agitated, and she wanted to get up, but she couldn't pull herself up because she was too weak, and I couldn't help her get up. So we called my Grandma on her cell phone, and she left the play and came over to help. Grandma told me to call the ambulance, so I did, and they came, and took her to the hospital. My Grandma went with my Mom to the hospital, and I stayed home, because I had to work early the next morning. At about 11:00 that night, my Grandma called me. I had been sleeping, and Grandma told me that my Mom's kidneys were failing, and that they were going to take her to Kalispell, by helicopter. The helicopter left about midnight, I went to work at 6 the next morning, and my Grandma came into work at about 7 and was going over to Kalispell. 

  My sister and I got off work at the same time that day, so we went to my place, and called my Grandma, who said that we should come over to Kalispell, that the hospice director wanted to meet with us the next day, if possible. So a family friend of ours, Carol, drove my sister and I over to Kalispell, one of my uncles was already there, the other uncle was on his way, and my Aunt and one of my cousins were on their way. That was Monday. Tuesday morning the family members that were present met with the hospice doctor, Dr. Carlburg, who was wonderful, and the decision was made to put my Mom on hospice.

  The next few days are kind of a blur, filled out some paperwork, moved Mom to the hospice part of the hospital, a lot of visitors coming and going. The hardest part of all of that, though, was the waiting. I knew what was going to happen, I wanted my Mom to be out of pain, I didn't want her to suffer anymore, and just waiting for it to happen...was hard. Not knowing if it was going to be this moment. Or this hour. Or this day. It was hard. I ended up leaving and coming back home on Thursday, figured I should work before I had to take a significant amount of time off. My sister had come home earlier in the week, and some of our family friends were checking in on her. We had made arrangements, when my sister decided to go home, that if my Mom passed, we would call Carol first, and ask her to go be with my sister, while we told her the news. We didn't want her to be alone when that happened. I went home on Thursday, and nothing happened on Thursday night, so I went to work on Friday morning, and had told my Grandma to call me at work if anything happened, because I never have my cell phone on me at work. So of course every time the phone rang at work I was distracted. It was hard to keep it together that day.

  I went home after work, and puttered around for a few hours, and my sister and Carol had gone to dinner, then they stopped by my apartment, for a few minutes, and then left. A little while later, I was closing the curtains, getting ready to go to bed, since I had to be at work early the next day, and Carol's car was outside, and my sister and her were getting out of it. Carol was walking ahead of my sister, and I met her in the yard, and she said, "We were almost back to your Grandma's house, and I got a text from your Grandma that said, 'Go back to Jasmine's.'" And I knew. We called Grandma, and Mom had passed away about 10 minutes before. So I made arrangements for Jessica and I with work, and the rest is kind of a blur of funeral preparations and such.

  We asked a retired pastor, Pastor Les Nelson, to officiate at the funeral, because he knew Mom, and we wanted someone who knew Mom to do the funeral. That was important. Everything went pretty smoothly. I lived in the apartment that my Mom and I had lived in together for a few weeks by myself. If I could have afforded the rent by myself, I would have kept living there. It was hard though, I kept expecting her to walk through the door at any time. I still do. There have been other significant losses in my life over the past year as well, and it has been so hard. I also deal with depression, and other things, and right now it's winter, which is always hard, and the holiday season was hard, and my birthday.

It's been a little over 5 months since we lost my Mom, and I am learning how to navigate that, but sometimes it's hard. And that's okay. I'm trying to just be okay with how I happen to be feeling at any given moment. So there it is. Processing. Feelings are messy sometimes, but it is what it is.

2019

A lot changed in 2019. At this time last year, I never would have imagined going into the next decade without my Mom. I lost quite a few people this year who were important to me, and it has been really hard. I've also spent the year trying to work through a lot of stuff. I went to Arizona in November and while I was there I got a tattoo. I am living totally on my own for the first time in my life. I'm trying to figure out how to live my life on my own terms, doing what I want to do instead of what other people want me to do, or what other people think that I should be doing. I have no idea what the next year, or the next decade, is going to bring, but I'm looking forward to it.