One Year and all the Feelings.

A year ago, at this time, I was sitting in the Denver airport, waiting for my last flight on my journey home from England. This last year has been....a lot. Some new challenges. Some old challenges. Trying to understand other people's perspectives on things, and also trying to get people to understand my perspective on things. Trying to be the best person I can be. Trying to work through some of my own issues. Struggling, some days, to "keep my head above water" so to speak. Some days I wake up and get out of bed, and that's the best I can do. I need that to be okay. A lot of times I still find it hard to speak my mind, because some people get mad at me when my views on certain things are different than theirs. I'm trying to get past caring about that. I'm working on being brave enough to share my views on things, even if I am the only person in a group that feels a certain way. Trying to just hold on to the fact that if a thing feels wrong to me, it feels wrong to me, and that's just how it is. I still find it hard to ask people for what I need. It's a thing I'm working on, and hopefully someday it will get easier. I love being back in Montana. Montana is my home. But I miss England. I miss my Nuns. I miss the church where I worked there, I miss the people that I met there. I miss the amazing public transportation, and I miss the ability to just hop on a train and go pretty much anywhere. I miss the other YAGMs that were in England with me. I've been isolating myself a bit, and it's also hard to find time to spend with the friends that I love, especially the ones that live out of town. It's like....I need people. I know that I need people. I need my friends. But I'm also afraid of that. It's complex. I'm an introvert, so I need my alone time, but....also I need my friends. So I apologize if I haven't been a great friend this year. I'm sorry if I have kind of disappeared. But just know that I'm trying. It might not seem like it sometimes, but I AM trying. I'm trying so hard to just....do more than just exist.

Things on My Mind

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it..."-Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5, Episode 22.


The quote that is above is taken from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy says it to her sister at one point. It isn't the whole quote, but it's important. The thing is, Buffy is not wrong. This world can be very hard to live in. This past week, Muslims in prayer were shot and killed in New Zealand. This is not okay. These kinds of things happen way too often. In this world that we live in, being born a woman can be dangerous. Being born a person of color can be dangerous. A person could be killed for their beliefs. A person can be killed for saying "no." And if something offends you, you get called oversensitive. Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard. I hear so many stories everyday that break my heart. It's sad that when certain groups of people commit a crime, people tend to blame everyone of that race or religion or whatever. I lived next door to a Mosque in Manchester last year, and they were very friendly to me. All of them. The village where I lived was about 90% Muslim and I never had any unpleasant interactions with them. The only unpleasant encounter I had was with a racist old man. In this world that we live in, women get sexually assaulted, and if they choose to report, the assaulter gets very minimal consequences, if any, and the victims are treated horribly. And then people wonder why so many cases of sexual assault go unreported. It's like, look at what happens when victims do report. So yeah. The world is kind of a mess. Currently. But I keep hoping that someday it can get better. I try to do my part to make the world a better place, and if enough of us keep fighting, then maybe, someday, we can ALL feel safe to live in the world. As for the end of the quote....

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live....for Me."

Feel Life

I love this quote. The idea is so important. Life is meant to be lived. Seize every opportunity for happiness and adventure. Expand your horizons, experience different cultures. Just live your best life.

"Show Me Your Darkness"

The quote above speaks to me. A lot. A lot of times people show their happiness, but they hide emotions such as sadness and anger. I always appreciate when people feel comfortable enough  to be real with me; to show me all of their feelings. I have been trying to be better at expressing all of my feelings, because keeping things inside isn't healthy. So please, show me all your feelings.

The Significance of Semicolons

         I've never been super into grammar, but, in the rules of grammar, a semicolon is a symbol that marks where an author could have ended a sentence, but chose not to do so. Some might wonder why I am writing about semicolons, so....here's an explanation. Most of you reading this might already know. 

       Today is February 3rd. Kind of an ordinary day in the grand scheme of things, except that 11 years ago on February 3rd, I very seriously considered giving up on my life. I actually wrote about it last year, so for further details, read here: https://jazzyintheuk.blogspot.com/2018/02/february-3rd.html. However, obviously, I did not end my life. I'm still here. I could have ended the sentence of my life, but I chose not to. Which is why I can usually be found wearing a necklace with the semicolon symbol on it. I still struggle some days, but I am still here. I'm still fighting. For anyone else who is struggling, I recommend taking a look at the Project Semicolon website: https://projectsemicolon.com. There is a lot of good information and resources on there. Another thing that has been helpful for me is the website for To Write Love on Her Arms: https://twloha.com. It's another organization for people struggling with addictions, self harm, depression, and other issues. So anyways, 11 years later, I'm still here. Still fighting. I celebrated my 30th birthday a few weeks ago, and I plan to keep up the fight.

Compassion

Feelings are hard. Sometimes I think that I feel too much about certain things. I feel differently about a lot of things than the people who are currently around me feel, and I spend a lot of time keeping my silence, for fear of being accused of overreacting. Or being oversensitive. I feel that compassion for others is important, especially for those that come from different backgrounds than ourselves. Lately, however, I feel like I am the only one in my immediate surroundings who feels that way. There's something to be said about looking at things from the point of view of others. I think it's important. I think the world would be a lot better off if everyone practiced more compassion, and spent more time listening to the thoughts and stories of those on the margins, those that are often overlooked and tossed aside and not listened too. Maybe I care too much, but I don't think that's a bad thing. Some might label me as "liberal". Do what you must, because if caring too much about other people makes me a "liberal", well, there are worse things I could be, and I think I'd rather care too much as opposed to not at all.

Thanksgiving

Family and Friends. Nature. Books. Music. Penguins. Elephants. Dolphins. Cows. Bears. Ducks. The fact that I have a job. Yarn. Knitting. Sunrises. Sunsets. Food. A home. These are what I am thankful for. These and so many other things, are what make life worth it. These things are why I stick around.  You all know who you are, so thank you, for being a part of my life. I'm thankful for all of you, Happy Thanksgiving.