I Was Going to Write this for Thanksgiving.

So, Thanksgiving was yesterday, and I was going to write this yesterday, but then I didn't. Yesterday was kind of weird. It was already going to be a weird Thanksgiving, without my Mom, but my sister and I flew to Albuquerque yesterday, and then I flew to Phoenix today, and am now currently writing this from Scottsdale, Arizona. My Grandma got on the train this morning and went to the East Side of Montana. So yesterday, with all of us going our separate ways, and without my Mom, it felt weird. That's going to be the normal for a while. I've accepted that. However, I do have things that I am thankful for this year. I am thankful for my family and friends who have been here for me since my Mom died and even before then. I am thankful for my cousin, Kori, who let me escape my normal life for a few days and come spend some time here with her in Arizona. I'm thankful for beautiful sunsets and sunrises. I am thankful.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today is my Mom's birthday. She would have been 56 years old. Went out to dinner last night with a close group of family friends to acknowledge my Mom's birthday. She was the one that started that tradition, so it was only right to honor it. I didn't know that her birthday last year would be the last one that she would spend here with us. Just goes to show that you can't take anything for granted. My Grandpa, her father, was also born on this day. I take comfort in knowing that today they get to celebrate their birthdays together, for the first time in 23 years. I do also hope that they include Todd Berget in their celebrations, because his birthday was yesterday, and I know that his family was feeling the same way that I am feeling today. Mrs. Graham will probably help them celebrate as well...of course this is all speculation. I actually don't know how things work in heaven...although I do wish that I did know. Oh well, the unknown makes things interesting. So happy birthday to my Mom, and to my Grandpa, and a happy belated birthday to Mr. Berget....and my condolences to the Graham family. My family knows what you are going through, and it's rough. Another significant day for us to get through. But we will get through. November 26th, 1963, she came into the world. November 26th, 2019, she gets to celebrate her birthday in Heaven, which, sad as it is for us, is probably really cool for her.

Three Months

Time is interesting. It has a way of going by extremely slowly and extremely fast, at the same time. On the 9th of every month...it's just a little bit harder than it already is. Today marks three months since my Mom died. A lot of things have happened. I'm getting ready to move into my own apartment. I'm working. Everyone else is doing there thing. But part of me still expects my Mom to walk in at any moment. Sometimes things happen, and I'm like, "Oh, I have to tell my Mom about this." Except that I can't. It's a journey. It is what it is.

Last Week

Grief is a journey. This last week was long. It was also hard. Halloween was one of my Mom's favorite holidays, and it was hard that she wasn't here for it. Also, the most difficult part of this week, was the loss of a man who was very important to me. Todd Berget was a positive male role model in my life, and I got to know him when his oldest daughter, Trista, and I became friends back in high school. I've known Todd's extended family for, well, most of my life, and he was a year younger than my Mom. In fact, his birthday was the day before hers. It's hard, because Todd was a really prominent guy in the community, he made a bunch of sculptures, a lot of them eagles that are all over the place, and he also made a lot of Sasquatch figures that are all over the place. One actually looks at me over a fence when I work in the drive thru at McDonald's. It's also hard that my friend and her siblings have to deal with losing their father, losing a parent is definitely hard, a feeling I know too well, and a thing that I am still going through. Today was All Saints Sunday at church, and we honored the loved ones that we have lost throughout our lives and the ones that we have lost over the past year. So this past week was just hard. For all of these reasons. But I'm sure everyone involved will make it out the other side. There's a quote out there that talks about how grief is the price of love. I definitely agree with that. We learn to move on, but there's still some days that are harder than others.

Also, yesterday, I was reading a blog post that a friend of mine wrote. It talked about how it's okay to take up space. It resonated for me, because I definitely find myself afraid to take up space. I am often afraid to state my opinions, share my views on things, and a lot of times I feel like a burden. All stuff I am working through. However, it is okay to take up space. To have feelings. It's also okay to not be okay. Because sometimes...you just break. And that's okay. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. A lot of stuff has happened in the last year and a half. And sometimes...it's too much. Sometimes it's too much. And sometimes I'm not okay. But that's okay.