Two Months

October 9th marked two months. Two months since my Mom died. During that time we have gone through her stuff, I have gone back to work, and I moved out of the apartment that I lived in with my Mom for the last year. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes I still expect her to walk through the door. The next few months are going to be especially hard. She loved Halloween, she loved all the holidays. She loved spending time with the family. I was so glad that so many of her family and friends got to come and say goodbye to her, when she was in hospice. Making the decision to put her into hospice...signing that piece of paper was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I am still just feeling my way through this, and I will be for a long time. In the course of my life I've learned that grief is the price of love. Somedays I feel like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz..."Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking." Two months feels like so long ago, but also, not long at all. Time moves very weirdly. I think my Mom listens to us though. I was talking to my Grandma on Thursday, about how much I loved the show "The Nanny" and that I was sad that it isn't on anymore....and then last night I turned on the tv and "The Nanny" was on. I don't think that was coincidental. So this is where I am. These are the feelings that I am feeling. Some moments are harder than others right now. It is what it is.

Three Weeks

Three weeks ago today, my Mom left us behind. It's still so hard to wrap my mind around it. I still expect her to walk through the door at any moment. Or to be sitting in her chair when I come home from somewhere. I knew that it was going to happen, eventually, but the end came so fast. I wasn't ready. None of us were. The staff in the hospice unit at the Kalispell Regional Medical Center were wonderful. I couldn't have asked for better. My Mom had so many visitors in her last days. That was comforting. This is only the beginning of the journey. It's going to be full of ups and downs. I need it to be okay to just feel what I'm feeling at any particular moment. I'm going to be sad sometimes, and I need that to be okay. It's going to take time, and things will happen when they happen. Don't push me to do things that I'm just not ready for. This is not something I've ever done before, so I am feeling my way through. But the sun will come out again, eventually.

One Year and all the Feelings.

A year ago, at this time, I was sitting in the Denver airport, waiting for my last flight on my journey home from England. This last year has been....a lot. Some new challenges. Some old challenges. Trying to understand other people's perspectives on things, and also trying to get people to understand my perspective on things. Trying to be the best person I can be. Trying to work through some of my own issues. Struggling, some days, to "keep my head above water" so to speak. Some days I wake up and get out of bed, and that's the best I can do. I need that to be okay. A lot of times I still find it hard to speak my mind, because some people get mad at me when my views on certain things are different than theirs. I'm trying to get past caring about that. I'm working on being brave enough to share my views on things, even if I am the only person in a group that feels a certain way. Trying to just hold on to the fact that if a thing feels wrong to me, it feels wrong to me, and that's just how it is. I still find it hard to ask people for what I need. It's a thing I'm working on, and hopefully someday it will get easier. I love being back in Montana. Montana is my home. But I miss England. I miss my Nuns. I miss the church where I worked there, I miss the people that I met there. I miss the amazing public transportation, and I miss the ability to just hop on a train and go pretty much anywhere. I miss the other YAGMs that were in England with me. I've been isolating myself a bit, and it's also hard to find time to spend with the friends that I love, especially the ones that live out of town. It's like....I need people. I know that I need people. I need my friends. But I'm also afraid of that. It's complex. I'm an introvert, so I need my alone time, but....also I need my friends. So I apologize if I haven't been a great friend this year. I'm sorry if I have kind of disappeared. But just know that I'm trying. It might not seem like it sometimes, but I AM trying. I'm trying so hard to just....do more than just exist.

Things on My Mind

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it..."-Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5, Episode 22.


The quote that is above is taken from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy says it to her sister at one point. It isn't the whole quote, but it's important. The thing is, Buffy is not wrong. This world can be very hard to live in. This past week, Muslims in prayer were shot and killed in New Zealand. This is not okay. These kinds of things happen way too often. In this world that we live in, being born a woman can be dangerous. Being born a person of color can be dangerous. A person could be killed for their beliefs. A person can be killed for saying "no." And if something offends you, you get called oversensitive. Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard. I hear so many stories everyday that break my heart. It's sad that when certain groups of people commit a crime, people tend to blame everyone of that race or religion or whatever. I lived next door to a Mosque in Manchester last year, and they were very friendly to me. All of them. The village where I lived was about 90% Muslim and I never had any unpleasant interactions with them. The only unpleasant encounter I had was with a racist old man. In this world that we live in, women get sexually assaulted, and if they choose to report, the assaulter gets very minimal consequences, if any, and the victims are treated horribly. And then people wonder why so many cases of sexual assault go unreported. It's like, look at what happens when victims do report. So yeah. The world is kind of a mess. Currently. But I keep hoping that someday it can get better. I try to do my part to make the world a better place, and if enough of us keep fighting, then maybe, someday, we can ALL feel safe to live in the world. As for the end of the quote....

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live....for Me."

Feel Life

I love this quote. The idea is so important. Life is meant to be lived. Seize every opportunity for happiness and adventure. Expand your horizons, experience different cultures. Just live your best life.

"Show Me Your Darkness"

The quote above speaks to me. A lot. A lot of times people show their happiness, but they hide emotions such as sadness and anger. I always appreciate when people feel comfortable enough  to be real with me; to show me all of their feelings. I have been trying to be better at expressing all of my feelings, because keeping things inside isn't healthy. So please, show me all your feelings.

The Significance of Semicolons

         I've never been super into grammar, but, in the rules of grammar, a semicolon is a symbol that marks where an author could have ended a sentence, but chose not to do so. Some might wonder why I am writing about semicolons, so....here's an explanation. Most of you reading this might already know. 

       Today is February 3rd. Kind of an ordinary day in the grand scheme of things, except that 11 years ago on February 3rd, I very seriously considered giving up on my life. I actually wrote about it last year, so for further details, read here: https://jazzyintheuk.blogspot.com/2018/02/february-3rd.html. However, obviously, I did not end my life. I'm still here. I could have ended the sentence of my life, but I chose not to. Which is why I can usually be found wearing a necklace with the semicolon symbol on it. I still struggle some days, but I am still here. I'm still fighting. For anyone else who is struggling, I recommend taking a look at the Project Semicolon website: https://projectsemicolon.com. There is a lot of good information and resources on there. Another thing that has been helpful for me is the website for To Write Love on Her Arms: https://twloha.com. It's another organization for people struggling with addictions, self harm, depression, and other issues. So anyways, 11 years later, I'm still here. Still fighting. I celebrated my 30th birthday a few weeks ago, and I plan to keep up the fight.