2019

A lot changed in 2019. At this time last year, I never would have imagined going into the next decade without my Mom. I lost quite a few people this year who were important to me, and it has been really hard. I've also spent the year trying to work through a lot of stuff. I went to Arizona in November and while I was there I got a tattoo. I am living totally on my own for the first time in my life. I'm trying to figure out how to live my life on my own terms, doing what I want to do instead of what other people want me to do, or what other people think that I should be doing. I have no idea what the next year, or the next decade, is going to bring, but I'm looking forward to it.

I Was Going to Write this for Thanksgiving.

So, Thanksgiving was yesterday, and I was going to write this yesterday, but then I didn't. Yesterday was kind of weird. It was already going to be a weird Thanksgiving, without my Mom, but my sister and I flew to Albuquerque yesterday, and then I flew to Phoenix today, and am now currently writing this from Scottsdale, Arizona. My Grandma got on the train this morning and went to the East Side of Montana. So yesterday, with all of us going our separate ways, and without my Mom, it felt weird. That's going to be the normal for a while. I've accepted that. However, I do have things that I am thankful for this year. I am thankful for my family and friends who have been here for me since my Mom died and even before then. I am thankful for my cousin, Kori, who let me escape my normal life for a few days and come spend some time here with her in Arizona. I'm thankful for beautiful sunsets and sunrises. I am thankful.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today is my Mom's birthday. She would have been 56 years old. Went out to dinner last night with a close group of family friends to acknowledge my Mom's birthday. She was the one that started that tradition, so it was only right to honor it. I didn't know that her birthday last year would be the last one that she would spend here with us. Just goes to show that you can't take anything for granted. My Grandpa, her father, was also born on this day. I take comfort in knowing that today they get to celebrate their birthdays together, for the first time in 23 years. I do also hope that they include Todd Berget in their celebrations, because his birthday was yesterday, and I know that his family was feeling the same way that I am feeling today. Mrs. Graham will probably help them celebrate as well...of course this is all speculation. I actually don't know how things work in heaven...although I do wish that I did know. Oh well, the unknown makes things interesting. So happy birthday to my Mom, and to my Grandpa, and a happy belated birthday to Mr. Berget....and my condolences to the Graham family. My family knows what you are going through, and it's rough. Another significant day for us to get through. But we will get through. November 26th, 1963, she came into the world. November 26th, 2019, she gets to celebrate her birthday in Heaven, which, sad as it is for us, is probably really cool for her.

Three Months

Time is interesting. It has a way of going by extremely slowly and extremely fast, at the same time. On the 9th of every month...it's just a little bit harder than it already is. Today marks three months since my Mom died. A lot of things have happened. I'm getting ready to move into my own apartment. I'm working. Everyone else is doing there thing. But part of me still expects my Mom to walk in at any moment. Sometimes things happen, and I'm like, "Oh, I have to tell my Mom about this." Except that I can't. It's a journey. It is what it is.

Last Week

Grief is a journey. This last week was long. It was also hard. Halloween was one of my Mom's favorite holidays, and it was hard that she wasn't here for it. Also, the most difficult part of this week, was the loss of a man who was very important to me. Todd Berget was a positive male role model in my life, and I got to know him when his oldest daughter, Trista, and I became friends back in high school. I've known Todd's extended family for, well, most of my life, and he was a year younger than my Mom. In fact, his birthday was the day before hers. It's hard, because Todd was a really prominent guy in the community, he made a bunch of sculptures, a lot of them eagles that are all over the place, and he also made a lot of Sasquatch figures that are all over the place. One actually looks at me over a fence when I work in the drive thru at McDonald's. It's also hard that my friend and her siblings have to deal with losing their father, losing a parent is definitely hard, a feeling I know too well, and a thing that I am still going through. Today was All Saints Sunday at church, and we honored the loved ones that we have lost throughout our lives and the ones that we have lost over the past year. So this past week was just hard. For all of these reasons. But I'm sure everyone involved will make it out the other side. There's a quote out there that talks about how grief is the price of love. I definitely agree with that. We learn to move on, but there's still some days that are harder than others.

Also, yesterday, I was reading a blog post that a friend of mine wrote. It talked about how it's okay to take up space. It resonated for me, because I definitely find myself afraid to take up space. I am often afraid to state my opinions, share my views on things, and a lot of times I feel like a burden. All stuff I am working through. However, it is okay to take up space. To have feelings. It's also okay to not be okay. Because sometimes...you just break. And that's okay. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. A lot of stuff has happened in the last year and a half. And sometimes...it's too much. Sometimes it's too much. And sometimes I'm not okay. But that's okay.

A Few Things That I Wrote a Few Years Ago

A few years ago, I wrote a few things. Not really sure if they are good or not, but they might be entertaining :) All of these were written between sometime in 2007 and September of 2016. Check them out if you want. Share with your friends if you want. Do whatever you want :)

November to July

Crazy European Adventures

The Crazy Moose

The Craziest Adventure Ever, Part 1

The Craziest Adventure Ever, Part 2

Two Months

October 9th marked two months. Two months since my Mom died. During that time we have gone through her stuff, I have gone back to work, and I moved out of the apartment that I lived in with my Mom for the last year. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes I still expect her to walk through the door. The next few months are going to be especially hard. She loved Halloween, she loved all the holidays. She loved spending time with the family. I was so glad that so many of her family and friends got to come and say goodbye to her, when she was in hospice. Making the decision to put her into hospice...signing that piece of paper was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I am still just feeling my way through this, and I will be for a long time. In the course of my life I've learned that grief is the price of love. Somedays I feel like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz..."Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking." Two months feels like so long ago, but also, not long at all. Time moves very weirdly. I think my Mom listens to us though. I was talking to my Grandma on Thursday, about how much I loved the show "The Nanny" and that I was sad that it isn't on anymore....and then last night I turned on the tv and "The Nanny" was on. I don't think that was coincidental. So this is where I am. These are the feelings that I am feeling. Some moments are harder than others right now. It is what it is.

Three Weeks

Three weeks ago today, my Mom left us behind. It's still so hard to wrap my mind around it. I still expect her to walk through the door at any moment. Or to be sitting in her chair when I come home from somewhere. I knew that it was going to happen, eventually, but the end came so fast. I wasn't ready. None of us were. The staff in the hospice unit at the Kalispell Regional Medical Center were wonderful. I couldn't have asked for better. My Mom had so many visitors in her last days. That was comforting. This is only the beginning of the journey. It's going to be full of ups and downs. I need it to be okay to just feel what I'm feeling at any particular moment. I'm going to be sad sometimes, and I need that to be okay. It's going to take time, and things will happen when they happen. Don't push me to do things that I'm just not ready for. This is not something I've ever done before, so I am feeling my way through. But the sun will come out again, eventually.

One Year and all the Feelings.

A year ago, at this time, I was sitting in the Denver airport, waiting for my last flight on my journey home from England. This last year has been....a lot. Some new challenges. Some old challenges. Trying to understand other people's perspectives on things, and also trying to get people to understand my perspective on things. Trying to be the best person I can be. Trying to work through some of my own issues. Struggling, some days, to "keep my head above water" so to speak. Some days I wake up and get out of bed, and that's the best I can do. I need that to be okay. A lot of times I still find it hard to speak my mind, because some people get mad at me when my views on certain things are different than theirs. I'm trying to get past caring about that. I'm working on being brave enough to share my views on things, even if I am the only person in a group that feels a certain way. Trying to just hold on to the fact that if a thing feels wrong to me, it feels wrong to me, and that's just how it is. I still find it hard to ask people for what I need. It's a thing I'm working on, and hopefully someday it will get easier. I love being back in Montana. Montana is my home. But I miss England. I miss my Nuns. I miss the church where I worked there, I miss the people that I met there. I miss the amazing public transportation, and I miss the ability to just hop on a train and go pretty much anywhere. I miss the other YAGMs that were in England with me. I've been isolating myself a bit, and it's also hard to find time to spend with the friends that I love, especially the ones that live out of town. It's like....I need people. I know that I need people. I need my friends. But I'm also afraid of that. It's complex. I'm an introvert, so I need my alone time, but....also I need my friends. So I apologize if I haven't been a great friend this year. I'm sorry if I have kind of disappeared. But just know that I'm trying. It might not seem like it sometimes, but I AM trying. I'm trying so hard to just....do more than just exist.

Things on My Mind

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it..."-Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5, Episode 22.


The quote that is above is taken from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy says it to her sister at one point. It isn't the whole quote, but it's important. The thing is, Buffy is not wrong. This world can be very hard to live in. This past week, Muslims in prayer were shot and killed in New Zealand. This is not okay. These kinds of things happen way too often. In this world that we live in, being born a woman can be dangerous. Being born a person of color can be dangerous. A person could be killed for their beliefs. A person can be killed for saying "no." And if something offends you, you get called oversensitive. Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard. I hear so many stories everyday that break my heart. It's sad that when certain groups of people commit a crime, people tend to blame everyone of that race or religion or whatever. I lived next door to a Mosque in Manchester last year, and they were very friendly to me. All of them. The village where I lived was about 90% Muslim and I never had any unpleasant interactions with them. The only unpleasant encounter I had was with a racist old man. In this world that we live in, women get sexually assaulted, and if they choose to report, the assaulter gets very minimal consequences, if any, and the victims are treated horribly. And then people wonder why so many cases of sexual assault go unreported. It's like, look at what happens when victims do report. So yeah. The world is kind of a mess. Currently. But I keep hoping that someday it can get better. I try to do my part to make the world a better place, and if enough of us keep fighting, then maybe, someday, we can ALL feel safe to live in the world. As for the end of the quote....

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live....for Me."

Feel Life

I love this quote. The idea is so important. Life is meant to be lived. Seize every opportunity for happiness and adventure. Expand your horizons, experience different cultures. Just live your best life.

"Show Me Your Darkness"

The quote above speaks to me. A lot. A lot of times people show their happiness, but they hide emotions such as sadness and anger. I always appreciate when people feel comfortable enough  to be real with me; to show me all of their feelings. I have been trying to be better at expressing all of my feelings, because keeping things inside isn't healthy. So please, show me all your feelings.

The Significance of Semicolons

         I've never been super into grammar, but, in the rules of grammar, a semicolon is a symbol that marks where an author could have ended a sentence, but chose not to do so. Some might wonder why I am writing about semicolons, so....here's an explanation. Most of you reading this might already know. 

       Today is February 3rd. Kind of an ordinary day in the grand scheme of things, except that 11 years ago on February 3rd, I very seriously considered giving up on my life. I actually wrote about it last year, so for further details, read here: https://jazzyintheuk.blogspot.com/2018/02/february-3rd.html. However, obviously, I did not end my life. I'm still here. I could have ended the sentence of my life, but I chose not to. Which is why I can usually be found wearing a necklace with the semicolon symbol on it. I still struggle some days, but I am still here. I'm still fighting. For anyone else who is struggling, I recommend taking a look at the Project Semicolon website: https://projectsemicolon.com. There is a lot of good information and resources on there. Another thing that has been helpful for me is the website for To Write Love on Her Arms: https://twloha.com. It's another organization for people struggling with addictions, self harm, depression, and other issues. So anyways, 11 years later, I'm still here. Still fighting. I celebrated my 30th birthday a few weeks ago, and I plan to keep up the fight.

Compassion

Feelings are hard. Sometimes I think that I feel too much about certain things. I feel differently about a lot of things than the people who are currently around me feel, and I spend a lot of time keeping my silence, for fear of being accused of overreacting. Or being oversensitive. I feel that compassion for others is important, especially for those that come from different backgrounds than ourselves. Lately, however, I feel like I am the only one in my immediate surroundings who feels that way. There's something to be said about looking at things from the point of view of others. I think it's important. I think the world would be a lot better off if everyone practiced more compassion, and spent more time listening to the thoughts and stories of those on the margins, those that are often overlooked and tossed aside and not listened too. Maybe I care too much, but I don't think that's a bad thing. Some might label me as "liberal". Do what you must, because if caring too much about other people makes me a "liberal", well, there are worse things I could be, and I think I'd rather care too much as opposed to not at all.