2019

A lot changed in 2019. At this time last year, I never would have imagined going into the next decade without my Mom. I lost quite a few people this year who were important to me, and it has been really hard. I've also spent the year trying to work through a lot of stuff. I went to Arizona in November and while I was there I got a tattoo. I am living totally on my own for the first time in my life. I'm trying to figure out how to live my life on my own terms, doing what I want to do instead of what other people want me to do, or what other people think that I should be doing. I have no idea what the next year, or the next decade, is going to bring, but I'm looking forward to it.

I Was Going to Write this for Thanksgiving.

So, Thanksgiving was yesterday, and I was going to write this yesterday, but then I didn't. Yesterday was kind of weird. It was already going to be a weird Thanksgiving, without my Mom, but my sister and I flew to Albuquerque yesterday, and then I flew to Phoenix today, and am now currently writing this from Scottsdale, Arizona. My Grandma got on the train this morning and went to the East Side of Montana. So yesterday, with all of us going our separate ways, and without my Mom, it felt weird. That's going to be the normal for a while. I've accepted that. However, I do have things that I am thankful for this year. I am thankful for my family and friends who have been here for me since my Mom died and even before then. I am thankful for my cousin, Kori, who let me escape my normal life for a few days and come spend some time here with her in Arizona. I'm thankful for beautiful sunsets and sunrises. I am thankful.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today is my Mom's birthday. She would have been 56 years old. Went out to dinner last night with a close group of family friends to acknowledge my Mom's birthday. She was the one that started that tradition, so it was only right to honor it. I didn't know that her birthday last year would be the last one that she would spend here with us. Just goes to show that you can't take anything for granted. My Grandpa, her father, was also born on this day. I take comfort in knowing that today they get to celebrate their birthdays together, for the first time in 23 years. I do also hope that they include Todd Berget in their celebrations, because his birthday was yesterday, and I know that his family was feeling the same way that I am feeling today. Mrs. Graham will probably help them celebrate as well...of course this is all speculation. I actually don't know how things work in heaven...although I do wish that I did know. Oh well, the unknown makes things interesting. So happy birthday to my Mom, and to my Grandpa, and a happy belated birthday to Mr. Berget....and my condolences to the Graham family. My family knows what you are going through, and it's rough. Another significant day for us to get through. But we will get through. November 26th, 1963, she came into the world. November 26th, 2019, she gets to celebrate her birthday in Heaven, which, sad as it is for us, is probably really cool for her.

Three Months

Time is interesting. It has a way of going by extremely slowly and extremely fast, at the same time. On the 9th of every month...it's just a little bit harder than it already is. Today marks three months since my Mom died. A lot of things have happened. I'm getting ready to move into my own apartment. I'm working. Everyone else is doing there thing. But part of me still expects my Mom to walk in at any moment. Sometimes things happen, and I'm like, "Oh, I have to tell my Mom about this." Except that I can't. It's a journey. It is what it is.

Last Week

Grief is a journey. This last week was long. It was also hard. Halloween was one of my Mom's favorite holidays, and it was hard that she wasn't here for it. Also, the most difficult part of this week, was the loss of a man who was very important to me. Todd Berget was a positive male role model in my life, and I got to know him when his oldest daughter, Trista, and I became friends back in high school. I've known Todd's extended family for, well, most of my life, and he was a year younger than my Mom. In fact, his birthday was the day before hers. It's hard, because Todd was a really prominent guy in the community, he made a bunch of sculptures, a lot of them eagles that are all over the place, and he also made a lot of Sasquatch figures that are all over the place. One actually looks at me over a fence when I work in the drive thru at McDonald's. It's also hard that my friend and her siblings have to deal with losing their father, losing a parent is definitely hard, a feeling I know too well, and a thing that I am still going through. Today was All Saints Sunday at church, and we honored the loved ones that we have lost throughout our lives and the ones that we have lost over the past year. So this past week was just hard. For all of these reasons. But I'm sure everyone involved will make it out the other side. There's a quote out there that talks about how grief is the price of love. I definitely agree with that. We learn to move on, but there's still some days that are harder than others.

Also, yesterday, I was reading a blog post that a friend of mine wrote. It talked about how it's okay to take up space. It resonated for me, because I definitely find myself afraid to take up space. I am often afraid to state my opinions, share my views on things, and a lot of times I feel like a burden. All stuff I am working through. However, it is okay to take up space. To have feelings. It's also okay to not be okay. Because sometimes...you just break. And that's okay. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. A lot of stuff has happened in the last year and a half. And sometimes...it's too much. Sometimes it's too much. And sometimes I'm not okay. But that's okay.

A Few Things That I Wrote a Few Years Ago

A few years ago, I wrote a few things. Not really sure if they are good or not, but they might be entertaining :) All of these were written between sometime in 2007 and September of 2016. Check them out if you want. Share with your friends if you want. Do whatever you want :)

November to July

Crazy European Adventures

The Crazy Moose

The Craziest Adventure Ever, Part 1

The Craziest Adventure Ever, Part 2

Two Months

October 9th marked two months. Two months since my Mom died. During that time we have gone through her stuff, I have gone back to work, and I moved out of the apartment that I lived in with my Mom for the last year. Every day is different. Every moment is different. Sometimes I still expect her to walk through the door. The next few months are going to be especially hard. She loved Halloween, she loved all the holidays. She loved spending time with the family. I was so glad that so many of her family and friends got to come and say goodbye to her, when she was in hospice. Making the decision to put her into hospice...signing that piece of paper was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I am still just feeling my way through this, and I will be for a long time. In the course of my life I've learned that grief is the price of love. Somedays I feel like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz..."Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking." Two months feels like so long ago, but also, not long at all. Time moves very weirdly. I think my Mom listens to us though. I was talking to my Grandma on Thursday, about how much I loved the show "The Nanny" and that I was sad that it isn't on anymore....and then last night I turned on the tv and "The Nanny" was on. I don't think that was coincidental. So this is where I am. These are the feelings that I am feeling. Some moments are harder than others right now. It is what it is.